Friday, August 19, 2011

fear and faith and fear and faith.

What I want more than anything is to have a faith in God that never quivers, that stands strong in the face of adversity, and that stands strong in times of plenty.  I want a faith that never falters or falls into fear. Sometimes I feel like my faith in fear is stronger than my faith in God to provide.  I trust that I'll be afraid, but not always in God's plan, His provision, His power.

Do I believe that God has a plan for our lives, for the lives of my family members, for everyone?  Do I believe that He will always provide for me, no matter what? Do I believe that He is all powerful, and that nothing is impossible for Him?

Ah Lord GOD! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee: (Jeremiah 32:17 KJV)

Lately when my heart has gone to fear, fear that we won't have enough, fear that I'll lose people I love, God has reminded me of His plan.  He has a plan for each of us, and His plans are to help us and to build us, not to destroy us.

Earlier this week we had a bit of confirmation that Tal's job would be a bit more certain, and then yesterday we heard something different, and then about an hour later we heard some good news again.  As a woman who feels the best in times of security... my emotions were flying every which way.  I wish that my faith could have stood strong even just for those few hours when things were up in the air, but I know that Jesus has forgiven me for my human qualities, and will continue to build my faith through these tests.

I know it has grown, even in the past six months.  I remember having such little faith, that I really didn't think Tal and I could get married, because I didn't think God would provide.  Now I still doubt, and have fears, but I'm quickly reminded of how God has been with us in the past.

Now, as I write this, I'm being reminded of how my purpose on earth is to show the love of Christ, not to be perfectly comfortable in my life.  He will provide for us, but to be perfectly honest, that's not where it ends.  Provision is really just the beginning, it's miraculous to be provided for, but it's the tip of the iceberg.

Where's my heart? Myself, my life, my husband, my home?  It's selfish. Bah. Now I feel funny about writing the first half of this blog, however, I'm not going to erase it because I think it's interesting that God decided to speak to me right in the middle of it.

I hope that my gaze can be redirected, trusting that we will be provided for, and reaching out to the world that needs Jesus.


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